I AM

Photo:  Enjoying one of  the last butterflies of the season on my walk this morning. 

“Another woman’s story is not evidence of our inadequacy. It may be a mirror.” 

Last week, we talked about story.  What is story?  How do we “see” ourselves?  Where might our memories be holding us hostage? What words do use to speak to ourselves and how can language be the start of change?

When hearing someone else’s story, it is easy to think, “Wow…I want to be/do that?” OR “I could NEVER be/do that?”  But how often do we think, why does THIS story resonate with me?  What am I hearing or thinking about in my own life that is capturing my attention?  Have you ever considered that it resonates with you because you may already BE “that”?

What would it mean to say, “I AM” instead of “I want to be…?”  To shape our language and perspective, our internal story, around traits we already possess?

My daughter sent me a Jay Shetty podcast this week where he interviewed Eileen Gu. Eileen is a Chinese American freestyle skier, model, and Stanford University student who has represented China internationally since 2019. A six-time Olympic medalist, she is the most decorated freestyle skier in Olympic history and is also known for encouraging girls and young women to pursue sports.  She is impressive.  And listening to her speak is enthralling. 

When my daughter sent the link, she said:

To which I responded:

My daughter shares many of Eileen’s qualities, even if their skill sets are different. A competitive equestrian, my daughter won three of four regional championships in high school and years later became Grand Champion at Florida’s prestigious Winter Equestrian Festival on a horse she had ridden only a few times. She has qualified for and completed the Boston Marathon twice, is an emergency veterinarian who has served as medical director for two hospitals and is also a wife and new mother. She is driven, talented, kind and beautiful.  In other words, she already HAS many of the traits she sees in Eileen.

But this exchange made me think…why are we so quick to look outside ourselves and say “I want to be more like that” while not realizing that we may already BE that…just in our own way.

We have all heard someone speak, marveled at their accomplishments and thought one of two things…” maybe someday” or “I could never.”  For women my age (65), we tend to listen to someone like Eileen, who is 23, or even my daughter at 37 and think it is too late for us.  Too late for our dream, too late to learn new skills, too late to take the risk, too late to become the woman we imagine we might have been. 

But what if the very thing we recognize in another woman is something that already exists within us?  That has existed for many years even if we have not stopped to give it the acknowledgment it deserves?  Women are conditioned to minimize their accomplishments. We call courage “doing what had to be done,” dismiss resilience as survival and treat our gifts as nothing special because they come naturally to us.

Perhaps we are drawn to someone’s courage because we have been courageous. We admire their discipline because we understand what it means to keep going. A woman’s willingness to take risks stirs something in us because some part of us still wants to step beyond what is familiar.

We may not share her accomplishments, opportunities or gifts. And saying “I AM” does not mean pretending we have lived someone else’s life. It means recognizing that the quality we admire in her may also belong to us. Another woman’s story is not evidence of our inadequacy. It may be a mirror.

When it comes to story, we tend to look at how we are different.  But what if we considered how are we the same? 

The scale may be different. The expression may be different. But courage is still courage. Discipline is still discipline. Creativity is still creativity. A dream does not become less meaningful because it will never earn a medal, make the news or impress a room full of strangers.

What resonates with us may do so because it is familiar.  Like one part of our soul recognizing another. And yet, we often use someone else’s life to diminish our own. We compare her most visible accomplishments with the parts of ourselves we have overlooked, dismissed or forgotten. We admire her story while failing to acknowledge our own courage, endurance, wisdom and desire.

We look outside ourselves for proof of what is possible while rarely looking inward and saying:

I am already brave.

I am already capable.

I am already becoming.

I am already “that”…..just in my own way.

“I want to be” moves the person we desire to become to somewhere in the future. She remains slightly beyond our reach, waiting for us to accomplish enough, change enough or finally become worthy of her.  “I am” brings her home.

It does not mean there is nothing left to learn or become. It means we are no longer beginning from deficiency. We are beginning with recognition.  We are NOTICING what resonates with us and sitting with it long enough to understand what we need to do with it next. 

I invite you to notice whose story you feel most drawn to or to think about someone you have admired in the past.  And ask yourself…. what qualities do I see in the person I admire? Where have those qualities already appeared in my life? What might change if I stopped saying “I want to be” and began saying “I am”?

Perhaps admiration is the perfect mirror.  Not pushing us to become someone else.  Instead, inviting us to remember who we already are.

Much love,

Lisa

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Lisa Hamil is a founding member and host for The SOS Collective, an online international women’s recovery and support group.  However, this blog and any classes or coaching offered by Lisa Hamil LLC are separate from and not affiliated in any way with The SOS Collective.