What If....

Photo courtesy of my walk this morning and something someone in my neighborhood left for us all....

“The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.”

- Joseph Campbell

What if…how you walked, talked and dressed didn’t matter?

What if….your body size and shape wasn’t judged? 

What if…you did not have inherited beliefs and habits?

What if…you had never been abandoned or neglected?

What if…you had never felt lost?

What if….you never lost anyone?

What if…you had never been shamed or embarrassed?

What if…you didn’t have to measure up to everyone around you?

What if…you weren’t criticized or scolded or judged?

What if…you had no one you could make feel small so you could feel tall?

What if…you didn’t have to please others, so you felt accepted?

What if…you never suffered grief or trauma?

What if…you never failed?

What if…. you had no one to blame for your life?

What if…you spoke more kindly to yourself?

What if…you saw starting over as a gift, not a failure?

What if…you gave yourself grace?

What if…you started every day asking, “What do I want?” And then did it.

What if…you accepted yourself instead of waiting for others to notice you?

What if…you developed your own beliefs and habits based on your lived experience?

What if…you learned how to feel comfortable in your own skin?

What if…you stopped expecting love to arrive from somewhere outside yourself?

What if…you saw each day as an opportunity to learn something new?

What if…you stood up for what you believed in, not caring about who would notice?

What if…you treated yourself with the love and respect you seek from others?

What if…you created boundaries that made you feel safe?

What if…you saw yourself as something to explore, not something to fix?

What if…you finally understood how much you matter?

We all have a narrative running in our head about our story.  Things that have happened, things that haven’t happened.  Where we were successful, where we failed.  How we were treated by others, especially our family.  How we fit in.  Where we were ostracized. Times that life happened without our permission or participation.  What is right and proper and what is unacceptable.  Both for ourselves and others. 

Some of our story comes from lived experience.  But much of it was drilled into us.  Inherited stories, beliefs, habits, perceived defects, dreams that belong to someone else.  Don Miguel Ruiz calls it domestication.  Michael Brown describes it as emotional imprinting.  We learn how to be based on the desires of others and, often, we are taught to act in ways that allow others to feel “comfortable” with no regard for our comfort. 

We consistently compare ourselves to others.  It is part of our DNA.  Thousands of years ago, if you didn’t fit in, you were not part of the tribe.  And not being part of the tribe meant almost certain death. Being alone in the world IS scary. 

Yet….in today’s world, it is entirely possible, even if not desirable, to survive alone.  Technologically, we have advanced beyond needing to survive by being included.  But emotionally, we are still stuck craving approval and security.  Even worse, all of today’s technology continually pulls our attention away from ourselves AND marketers feed off the fact that we really don’t know who we are anymore.  They sell a lot of goods and services knowing if they can just create self-doubt and uncertainty, we are an easy mark. 

Our story is true on two levels.  It is ours.  AND it is just a story.  It did happen.  Factually it is correct.  But how often do you go back and fact check your own truth?  How much of your story is driving your life in ways that no longer fit?  No longer serve you?  What if it didn’t really happen the way you remember?  What if it happened so you could learn something you needed to learn? 

We have all survived 100% of everything that has come our way.  It may have been incredibly painful and challenging.  Yet you are still here.  You survived it.  When was the last time you asked yourself HOW you survived?  What did you learn about yourself?  How did you grow?  What new skills did you develop? 

We easily get stuck in the telling of the tale.  We want others to notice that we survived, that we were strong or brave.  But we forget to give ourselves credit for the same thing.  We file it away based on the response the telling of a story got and, reading the next crowd, decide whether it is worth trotting out again. 

OR, we believe that what happened to us was so shameful, so unforgiving, that we never speak of it again.  Yet, we think of it constantly and allow it to eat away at our heart and soul rather than reminding ourselves that we survived even something that terrible.  That we are still here.  That we deserve and have earned the love and respect that we are withholding from ourselves. 

There is a yogic philosophy called “beginners mind”.  It is the practice of approaching your body, breath, and poses with an open, eager attitude, free from past expectations, judgments, or the illusion that you "already know" how a moment will feel.  The questions at the beginning of this article are my own attempt to try and get back to a beginner’s mind.  To get out of my own head.  To get out of my story. 

We are quick to assume so much about our life.  What will happen, how others will respond to us, how we will feel.  We crave certainty in our lives and build our actions around our desire for certainty.  BUT the truth is, nothing is certain.  Ever.  No matter how hard we try or plan or overthink the future, none of us knows what tomorrow holds.  Our story reflects what has happened in the past, but not a predictor of what is to come.  Our story is meant to learn from, not to hold us prisoner.

The next few months, I will be writing about these ideas.  What is story?  How do we “see” ourselves?  Where might our memories be failing us or holding us hostage? What words do we speak to ourselves and how can language be the start of change?  Why is change so hard?  How can we “trick” our brain into new habits and beliefs that feel more authentic?  Who are we?  And what do we want?  Really want.  Not what we are expected to want.  How can we create rituals and routines that support our “becoming?”

As a start, I encourage you to take any one of the questions above and journal about it for 10-15 minutes.  WITHOUT expectation or thinking about it too much.  Just set a timer and start writing about the question that speaks to you the most.  Listen to what you heart wants you to hear.  What comes forth unbidden. 

I hope that over the next few months, you will also reach out to me about what speaks to you. Sharing where your story has led you and where you would like it to go.  What does the next chapter of your life look like?  What would you do, how would you feel, where would you go if you could adopt a “beginners mind”?  What does your story want you to know? 

Let’s have some fun.  I look forward to sharing the journey together…

Much Love,

Lisa

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Lisa Hamil is a founding member and host for The SOS Collective, an online international women’s recovery and support group.  However, this blog and any classes or coaching offered by Lisa Hamil LLC are separate from and not affiliated in any way with The SOS Collective.