What If Nothing Is Wrong With You?

There's something wonderfully absurd about being human.

One minute we're convinced we have reached enlightenment because we drank celery juice, meditated for twenty minutes, and listened to a Huberman podcast at 1.5x speed to keep up with our accelerated pace on the treadmill.  Twenty minutes later we're standing in the pantry eating peanut butter with a spoon wishing we could just move to a cabin in Montana.

I have become convinced there should be a loyalty program for personal growth.

Something like:

Congratulations! You've completed:

• 47 self-help books
• 19 journals
• 11 online courses
• 3 therapists
• 1 nervous breakdown
• 4,376 meditations
• Approximately 83,000 hours wondering, "What am I missing?"

Your reward?  Three new childhood memories to unpack.

Honestly, LIFE feels a little unfair.  And when I woke this morning, that was the only thought I had and I couldn’t get it out of my head. 

I don't know when I decided life was a scavenger hunt where if I collected enough quotes, podcasts, neuroscience, yoga, recovery meetings, and Brené Brown videos, someone would finally hand me The Answer.

You know... THE answer.  The one everyone else apparently got.  The one that explains why we're here, who we're supposed to become, why we keep eating sugar when we swore we'd stop yesterday.

Every morning I start the same way.  "Thank you for this day and all that it may bring." It's a lovely prayer.  Most days I mean it.  This morning, I silently added, "...unless what it brings is another opportunity for growth. In that case, I'd like to cash in one of last week's opportunities instead."

GROWTH IS EXHAUSTING.

Not because growing is hard. Because growing never seems to end. Every time I think I've figured something out... life says, "Oh, that's adorable."  Then hands me another lesson.

At this point I feel like life is that friend who keeps recommending the newest TV series.

"You'll LOVE this one."

I gently remind them, “I haven't finished the last twelve you recommended."

"I know. But this one changes everything."  As if one more perspective will drastically change the way the world presents itself.  But stuck in FOMO, I dutifully add the lesson to the to do list.  Hope springs eternal. 

For years I honestly believed I was looking for answers. I wasn't.  I was looking for the day my brain would finally shut up.  I was looking for certainty in an uncertain world.  Answers and certainty, those are very different goals.

Because answers don't create peace. Certainty does. Unfortunately, certainty appears to be sold out. I've checked. Instead, life offers us things that sound good but are strangely unquantifiable. Possibility. Perspective. Curiosity. Character development. Frankly, I'd like a refund.

I have also noticed something else. Curiosity is heavily marketed. Everyone loves curiosity. If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know that curiosity is something I say often.  “Stay curious!”, “Choose curiosity!"  And curiosity IS wonderful......when you're well rested.

Curiosity at 9:00 on a Saturday morning after a good night's sleep sounds like, "I wonder why I react that way?" “Is there a lesson here?”  “How will this help me grow?”

Curiosity on Wednesday afternoon with three nights of bad sleep and a day with an obnoxious boss, sounds like, "What fresh psychological disaster are we uncovering today? And why should I give a F**K?”  Same curiosity. Different customer experience.

I've realized there are two kinds of curiosity. Graceful curiosity. And human curiosity.

Graceful curiosity drinks herbal tea. Human curiosity eats tortilla chips directly from the bag while Googling, “Can emotional exhaustion make you question every decision you've made since third grade?" I know which one visits my house more often.

Then there's my favorite illusion.

The belief that everyone else has this figured out. You know those people. The ones who appear calm. Centered. Grounded. They post photos of themselves looking thoughtfully into the ocean.

Meanwhile I'm over here wondering if, instead, they accidentally achieved enlightenment because they were simply too tired to keep overthinking.

The older I get, the more I suspect everyone is making it up.  The confident people.  The successful people. The spiritual people.  The ones with matching furniture.  While the rest of us are just trying to remember where we put our keys and pretending we know what we are doing with our lives.

And somehow…that makes me feel better. Because maybe nothing has gone wrong. Maybe consciousness is just overwhelming.  Simply a LOT to unpack. Maybe noticing more means feeling more. Maybe asking questions doesn't mean I'm failing. Maybe it simply means I'm finally paying attention.

There are many days when I feel lost. Days when meditation doesn't help. When journaling feels repetitive. When walking just gives me forty-five uninterrupted minutes to overthink everything. Those days used to convince me I was back at the beginning. Now I wonder if they're simply part of the membership.

Because perhaps being human isn't about finally finding the answer. Perhaps it's about laughing when you realize you have asked the same question for the 147th time. Again. With slightly different wording. Convinced this version will unlock the universe.

Turns out, personal growth is the only job where every promotion comes with more homework.

So today, if you're tired or if you are wondering why you still don't have life figured out.  Or are secretly convinced everyone else received an instruction manual that never found its way to you.  Consider another possibility….

What if nothing is wrong with you?

What if you're simply experiencing the wonderfully inconvenient privilege of being a conscious human being? It's a ridiculous species to belong to, I admit. But I wouldn't trade it. The thing I like most about this thought is that it doesn't mock the struggle.

It normalizes it.

Maybe wisdom isn't arriving somewhere new. Maybe wisdom is learning to stay present while the road continues unfolding beneath our feet. Maybe nothing has gone wrong. Maybe this is simply what it feels like to be fully awake. To care deeply. To love deeply. To notice deeply. To question deeply.

Perhaps the weight we feel on some days isn't a sign that we are broken. Perhaps it's the price, and the privilege, of paying attention.

Consider the possibility that you are not failing because you still have questions.  Maybe the goal isn't to solve your life. Maybe the goal is simply to live it.

And maybe that is more than enough.

Much Love, 

Lisa

P.S.

If you read my blog from two weeks ago, entitled "Choose Curiosity", you can see confusion about being human in action.  I stand by the fact that curiosity is needed, but sometimes it needs a rest too....it is as exhausted as we are. 

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Lisa Hamil is a founding member and host for The SOS Collective, an online international women’s recovery and support group.  However, this blog and any classes or coaching offered by Lisa Hamil LLC are separate from and not affiliated in any way with The SOS Collective.