I Was Living On Default. This Is What Changed.

“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”

—Mark Twain

I didn’t quit drinking because I was ready.  I quit because I couldn’t keep living the way I was.

I’ve shared on a few platforms that I recently celebrated 2,000 days of sobriety. If you’ve heard it already…not sorry.  We don’t celebrate our success enough. And for me, after 46 years of Day Ones…this is success.

Sobriety is not a “one and done” thing. Reaching a milestone doesn’t mean you’re finished.  It simply means you have stayed. And sometimes, especially in the early days, milestones are a mixed bag.  You feel proud of your progress…while at the same time, you are reminded that the thing you once turned to for comfort is never going to be there again.  In the beginning, I felt like a child whose favorite blanket had been taken away to be washed; and never returned.

I had to keep reminding myself that alcohol was far more often a source of frustration and shame than comfort. But old habits, old beliefs, and old longings don’t disappear just because we decide they should.

There are only a handful of days in your life you remember with complete clarity. Your wedding. The birth of your children. Certain losses. Certain turning points.

October 18, 2020, is one of those days for me.  I wasn’t doing much. I was too hungover. It was a beautiful fall Sunday in Colorado, but I had no desire to step outside into the sunshine or take my new puppy Reese for a walk.  I remember lying on the couch and asking myself if I could do it again.  If I could try one more time to get sober.

I didn’t know what would be different. I didn’t know if I would be successful.  I just knew the life I was living was no longer sustainable.

I knew if I didn’t change, I might never see my children get married.  Might never meet my grandchildren, let alone be trusted with them.  Around that time, I had read a line in We Are the Luckiest by Laura McKowen, “How many more times are you going to break your own heart?”

That question stayed with me.

I was so tired of disappointing myself.

I lived with the quiet delusion that if I was sitting alone in my own house, no one could see how much I was drinking. So…I was fine.  But I saw.  I knew.  And realized in that moment how little I mattered to myself.  I saw and chose to look away. 

Part of me was waiting for someone, anyone, to notice. To say something. To give me a reason to stop.  But no one was coming to save me.

Except me.

So…I started.  And then I kept going.  Because that’s how change happens. One small, often invisible step at a time.  It feels glacial.  Until one day, you look back and realize your life is completely different.  It wasn’t that I didn’t notice small things along the way, but they didn’t particularly stand out, until they did. 

Here are just a few things that have happened in the last 2,000 days:

• Both of my children got married
• I now have two amazing grandsons. And I am trusted to spend lots of time with them
• I walked through my father’s illness and passing
• I marked the 30th anniversary of my mother’s death
• I left a 42-year career
• I began a new one in coaching, focused on changing the stigma of addiction
• I completed 500 hours of yoga teacher training
• I lived in Greece for a month (part of yoga training)
• I helped found an international online women’s support community for recovery
• I committed to writing one blog a week for a year….. and did it
• I began working with a book coach
• I started teaching classes to help women understand their stories so they can choose what comes next

Those are the big things.

But the smaller things, the quieter ones, are the ones that matter to me the most.  I trust myself now.  I have learned self-compassion and forgiveness…for myself and for others.  I have healed relationships that mattered and let go of those that didn’t.  I have taken ownership of my whole life. The good, the hard, the joyful, and everything in between.

Is it perfect? No.  Is anything?  But it is peaceful.  It is loving.  And it is whole.

Per Mark Twain…have I found my “why”?  That feels like a lifelong unfolding.  But I do know this, the day I got sober is the day I started to understand my why.

Part of my “why” is remembering that I matter.  If to no one else… I finally matter to me.  And I am worth the journey.

If you are early in your sobriety journey, or even just thinking about beginning, please know this…You are worth it too.  You can’t do it for anyone else.  This must be yours.

It will be hard. You will want to stop. You will look at people like me, as I once did, and think, “I will never be able to do that.”

But you can.

One day at a time.

If this spoke to you, stay with me. This is a conversation we’re allowed to have. Honestly, imperfectly, and without shame. 

And if you’re on Day One…that is the most important day of all.

Much love,

Lisa

P.S.

If you are a woman and need community support, and I strongly recommend finding a community, please join us at The SOS Collective (SOS = Sober Online Sisters).  We are an international women’s online recovery support space.  Everything we offer is FREE.  We have 9 meetings per week, multiple 30-day programs, meetings for women new to sobriety, and meetings for women with long term sobriety.  We offer workshops, guidance, and most of all love, trust and support.  We believe no one should have to pay to find a sober life. 

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Lisa Hamil is a founding member and host for The SOS Collective, an online international women’s recovery and support group.  However, this blog and any classes or coaching offered by Lisa Hamil LLC are separate from and not affiliated in any way with The SOS Collective.