Dear Crabby: Am I Haunted - or Just Over 50?

Photo:  A rare foggy morning in Denver and the sculptures in my park

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!  🎃 I am off to trick or treat with the grand babies and short on time…I thought this week we could share a little humor instead of trying to overthink all that being human entails.  I asked ChatGPT to take some of the things I find most frustrating and give me a response.  Say what you will about Chat, but sometimes, it can be pretty funny.  Back next week and have a fantastic start to the holiday season! 

Dear Crabby: Am I Haunted—or Just Over 50?

An investigation into the mysterious things happening around my house.

Dear Crabby,

I keep entering rooms with a strong sense that I was sent there for a reason. The reason never reveals itself. Is this a haunting?

Signed,

Bewildered in the Hallway

Dear Bewildered,

First, remain calm. Do not burn sage yet. You’ll set it down somewhere, forget where you put it, and have a whole new problem.

What you’re describing is a familiar phenomenon: arriving with purpose and immediately becoming a woman admiring a lampshade.

You were on a mission. You had a plan. Somewhere between the kitchen and the bedroom, the mission was classified. You apparently no longer have clearance.

You now have three options:

1. Return to the room where the thought originated.
2. Stand very still and hope the thought recognizes you.
3. Pick something up so the trip looks intentional.

I recommend the third. There is always a coffee cup that needs relocating.

But to determine whether your home is haunted, we should examine the other evidence.

Are you hearing unexplained noises?

Perhaps a sharp crack when you stand up. A low groan while getting out of bed. Something resembling bubble wrap when you walk downstairs.

Before calling a paranormal investigator, sit down.

Now stand up.

Did the noise follow you?

That’s useful information.

Are objects disappearing?

Your reading glasses. Your phone. The scissors that have lived in the same drawer since 1997.

You may find yourself saying, “Someone has moved my things,” despite living alone.

This is an understandable conclusion. The alternative requires admitting that you put the remote in the linen closet, and we’re simply not ready to explore that today.

Start with the glasses on your head.

Then check the phone you’re using to call someone about your missing phone.

The scissors are gone. Buy another pair. The original pair will appear immediately.

Is there a strange woman in your mirror?

Does she resemble your mother?

Does she look mildly concerned about your posture?

This apparition often appears unexpectedly, particularly when you’ve leaned over to examine something and catch your reflection from an angle you did not authorize.

Avoid opening your phone’s camera while looking down. There are things no woman needs to encounter without preparation.

Are there sudden changes in temperature?

One moment, you’re comfortable. The next, you’re throwing off a cardigan with the urgency of someone removing a live raccoon.

Five minutes later, you need the cardigan.

Unfortunately, you’ve thrown it somewhere.

Now we have two mysteries.

Are you waking at the same eerie hour?

Three seventeen in the morning.

No noise. No nightmare. Just wide awake, available for an emergency meeting about something you said at a dinner party in 2008.

Your mind has also prepared several agenda items:

Did you move the laundry?

Why did that woman say “interesting” like that?

What was the name of your third-grade teacher?

You will remember her name at 4:42.

The laundry will remain in the washer.

Is your home trying to frighten you?

Consider the fitted sheet.

You know you bought a queen. The mattress is a queen. Yet getting the fourth corner on requires the strength of three women and a small exorcism.

Or the container drawer, where lids reproduce independently of containers.

Or the refrigerator, which contains three mustards and absolutely nothing for dinner.

A house can be deeply unsettling without a single ghost.

Dear Bewildered, here is my conclusion

I cannot confirm that you’re haunted.

I can confirm that you’re standing in the bedroom holding a coffee cup, wearing your reading glasses, wondering why you came upstairs.

For now, put the cup down. Enjoy a moment of peace. Nobody has asked you for anything, and whatever brought you here has apparently withdrawn its request.

You’ll remember what it was as soon as you get comfortable downstairs.

Warmly, Crabby

P.S. What mysterious activity has been happening at your house? Missing objects? Unexplained noises? A cardigan that keeps disappearing? Please report your findings below.

P.P.S. I came in here for the charger.

Much Love,

Lisa

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Lisa Hamil is a founding member and host for The SOS Collective, an online international women’s recovery and support group.  However, this blog and any classes or coaching offered by Lisa Hamil LLC are separate from and not affiliated in any way with The SOS Collective.