Strayed

“The universe, I'd learned, was never, ever kidding. It would take whatever it wanted, and it would never give it back.”

― Cheryl Strayed, Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail

The first weekend in May, I participated in a writing class hosted by Cheryl Strayed.  She is the author of “Wild” a book, later made into a movie starring Reese Witherspoon, about Strayed’s 100-day journey walking a portion of the Pacific Crest Trail.  The Pacific Crest Trail (PCT) is a 2,650-mile (4,265 km) long-distance hiking trail that traverses the western United States, from Mexico to Canada. It primarily runs through California, Oregon, and Washington.

She embarked on this journey after her mother’s death and her divorce from her first husband. She did so with very little experience of either hiking or being alone in the wild.   I had seen the movie but never read the book.  Knowing how often movies miss the narrative found in the written work, I decided to give it a go. 

I always remember thinking that her last name was interesting; Strayed.  But until I read the book, I had no idea what her name meant.  After her mother died, she was, by her own admission, way off course.  She left her husband and traveled around the western United States.  Along the way, she found drugs and many men who were not her husband.  The truth was, she didn’t just lose her mother (at age 45 and within 7 weeks of a cancer diagnosis) her family fell apart, and she felt as though she was had no anchor.  So, she ran. 

Hearing that she had discovered heroin, her husband drove to Oregon and brought her home to Minnesota.  They tried but could not reconcile and ended up filing for divorce.  They had no money, no children and no communal property, so they gathered the paperwork for a “do it yourself” divorce.  When she got to the line that asked, “What will be your name after the divorce?”, she realized that she had an opportunity to put whatever she liked in that blank space.  

I don’t remember how she got to “strayed”, but the definition, “move away aimlessly from a group or from the right course or place” and “having strayed or escaped from a proper or intended place”, resonated with her and was an apt description of her life.   That became her new name.  Cheryl Strayed.  More of a short, descriptive sentence than a name, but an apt description of her life in that moment.  Genius really.

I have taken many workshops and read books where they invite you to “name” your inner critic.  Give your thoughts an identity so you can tell them to stop talking so much.  The belief being that it is easier to tell another “person” to be quiet than to tell your thoughts to stop existing.  Cheryl doesn’t imply that choosing her name was something that she did so she could yell at her inner critic, but what a beautiful way for her to acknowledge that she had wandered away from who she was and needed to find a way back.  Made me wonder what name I would choose for myself.  What would you choose?

Her mantra for the entire walk was “I am not afraid.”  No matter what came her way, she would simply repeat that phrase.  The first real challenge was an encounter on the trail with what she thought was a moose (actually a longhorn steer—further testament to her lack of knowledge about the “wild”).  She came around a corner and they startled each other.  She ran into the bushes, blowing what she termed the world’s loudest whistle, and the steer eventually left. 

The encounter was only about a week into her journey, and she was struggling.  She wanted to turn around and go back.  But, as she was hiding in the bushes, she realized that she did not see what direction the steer had taken.  She decided keep moving forward because she knew there was an equal chance of finding the steer in either direction.  She had already seen what was behind her and had no way of knowing what was coming.  Repeating “I am not afraid” kept her in the moment.  And she moved on. 

As I read her story, I found myself craving an “adventure.”  Believing that I need some grand gesture to figure out how and why I feel like I have strayed.  Yet, I have to remind myself that I do not need to do anything drastic or profound, to find my way home.  It is fun to read about the adventures of others and to romanticize that such a journey would have a profound impact on my life.  I’m sure it would.  It is equally dangerous to believe that change will not happen UNLESS I do something so drastic.  That my mundane and ordinary life is not capable of change unless I find myself jumping off the proverbial. 

Maybe it is age.  Maybe it is sobriety.  Maybe it is learning how to be in the moment.  Or finding a mantra like “I am not afraid” and just living there.  But it is such a gift now that I can, as she learned to do, take life as it comes.  I will stray.  And I will find my way back to the path.  I can never know what is around the corner.  She ran into steers, people, rattlesnakes, unexpected snow and weather, ran out of water in the desert and had no money for water when she did finally find some.  There were also many “coincidences” and gifts that came her way unexpectedly.  She took it all as it came.  Despite her quote above, the Universe will take what it wants, but it will also be incredibly generous if you allow yourself to see what is being offered. 

My favorite part of her journey was the realization that it did not serve her to go back the way she had already come.  She had been there, done that.  There was an equal chance the steer would be behind her as in front of her.  No amount of planning or future-tripping or worry could predict what was ahead, and no amount of regret or wishful thinking could change what she had already walked through, 

Moving forward feels daunting and scary.  Change is uncomfortable.  But the phrase, “you can’t go home again,” is also true.  As I ponder my new name, I think I will adopt her mantra as well.  I am not afraid.  Fear has simply kept me stuck, too afraid to walk down any path in any direction.  And I will remind myself that, while not as exciting, I can challenge myself without ever leaving home.  Simply by moving forward and taking the next right step.

P.S. - if you find yourself with a new name, please let me know what you picked for yourself. 🥰🥰