Nature vs Nurture

“Information is not transformation.” 

-Richard Rohr

Human design, Numerology, Enneagram, Astrology, Gene Keys, Emotion Codes, Color Theory, Strengths Finders, values, personality tests, right/left brain diagnostics, Meyers-Briggs, DISC assessments.   Dharma, karma, destiny, prophecy.  Yogic philosophy, Buddhism, Taoism, Judaism, Catholicism, Science of the Mind.  Philosophy, psychology, mathematics, quantum physics.  Poetry, music, dance.  Medicine, anatomy, physiology, pathophysiology, homeopathy, acupuncture, Reiki, Ayurveda, brain imaging. Energy work, breath work, Tai Chi, Qi Gong, exercise, stretching, silence, meditation, mantra.  Food, water, vitamins, minerals, amino acid and enzyme therapies.  Personal energy.  Past lives, signs from the future or from people no longer with us, tarot, palm reading, psychics. 

These are all books on my shelves or perspectives I have explored.  All to answer the simple question, “Who am I?” 

Which, we all know, is not a simple question at all. 

The question of nature vs nurture is one that has been asked for hundreds of years.  Do we come into the world the way we are?  Or are we taught to be who we are?  Does it matter? While there are themes and traits in many of the tools listed, good descriptions of my “nature”, is their assessment of me something I should rely on as an accurate description of who I am?  More importantly, will having “the answer”, if I can find it, change the way I show up in my life?  Make it easier?

We do, in fact, come into this world a blank slate.  Even if you believe that souls keep reappearing in different forms until they learn the lessons they need to learn. When we first arrive, most of us don’t remember where we have been.  Except those stories of children who remember fighting in WWII or come out knowing how to play classical piano.  Those people do exist, but most of us arrive “clean.”  Nor are we preprogrammed to understand what lessons are on the agenda for THIS life. 

We live in a reductionist society.  Life seems easier to manage if we can quantify it somehow.  Facts, figures, science.  Seven habits, 12 steps, my number, my sign, we want the rules.  What ARE the rules for this complicated thing called “being human?”  What is the next right step and how do I DO it?  The problem with a reductionist viewpoint is that we are holistic beings.  We do not exist in a vacuum.  Everything we do impacts someone else - our friends and family, our partner, our jobs, nature. And the world impacts us.

Lately, “Who am I?” feels like the wrong question.  The real question should be, “What do I want?”  If I don’t know what I want, then I won’t know how to show up.  Which version of me, based on research, is needed and necessary to accomplish my goal. What IS said goal?  The rules must also consider how I should show up situationally.  How I act at work is very different from home.  And all of that is different than when I am alone in my own head at 3 a.m. 

I find myself confused most of the time.  Yet, I think I have come to the simple conclusion that, when who I am on the inside, my nature, is asked to compete with how I am expected to show up on the outside, my nurture, life becomes very complex and uncomfortable. 

Don Miguel Ruiz, in The Four Agreements talks about the concept of “domestication.”  We do come to this world with a unique energy.  A “beingness”, a soul.  It’s who I AM in the simplest of ways.  There are traits that I have had for as long as I can remember.  As a mother, I would say the same of my children.  They came out of the womb with certain innate tendencies, abilities and idiosyncrasies that they have possessed their entire lives.    Yet, no one comes out of the womb with a plan.  No one knows who their parents will be, where they will go to school, what skills they will acquire or traumas they may face. We learn from each situation.  We are “nurtured” through life.  Taught how to respond, when to respond and what an acceptable response is. 

Don Miguel likens our “nurture” phase to how we train our dogs.  We can teach our dog to sit when someone comes to the door or give them a treat after they have accomplished a trick, but we cannot get them to stop chasing the bunnies that dart out in front of them on a walk.   They are dogs.  Hunting is in their nature.

I’ve spent a great deal of my life trying to figure out what is expected of me.  Ignoring my nature. Like a dog that is trying to do what others want while not speaking their language, I find myself guessing most of the time.  I occasionally get a treat for doing the right trick and if I am lucky, I remember how I got there.  I live in constant comparison to others and wonder why they got the manual, or learned the trick, and I could not. 

When the tried-and-true personality that seemed to work at home was frowned upon at school, I adopted a new personality.  Another way of relating to the world.  And yet another when I realized that to have friends or be part of a desired group, I needed to talk or dress a different way.  I learned good and bad, right and wrong.  Then I ventured into work and marriage and adulthood and was asked to show up and be someone else yet again.  A partner, a parent, a leader.  Not sure exactly how I was supposed to show up with all the different ways I was coerced into fitting in, it should be no surprise that imposter syndrome set in.  How can I be a leader or expert or even a human being when, from the beginning, I have been asked to conform to anything other than who I innately AM? 

Nothing outside of me, is me.  Or can “fix” me.  Only I know my story.  Only I know my struggles, my shame, my blame, my judgment, my self-doubt, my joys, my skill sets, my secrets.  Only I speak my language. I live in the external world, interact with others, but I had gotten so far away from my nature that I didn’t even recognize who I was anymore. 

I clung to the tenets of these books for years.  Looking for the wisdom, the prophecy.  Hoping that when I opened each one a beautiful ray of light would burst forth while the angels sang and the “answer” would appear.  I could stop searching.  When in fact, I had everything I needed all along. My heart always knew what I needed.  I had just stopped asking for what I wanted.  I had been completely lost in the shuffle.

The most important thing I have learned so far in my journey, is that there is no such thing as “an answer.”  It’s not nature, it’s not nurture, it is not found in a book.  I can read all the books ever printed and I will never learn what it means to be me.  Yet I can stop every day and listen to my heart.  What do I want?  What makes me feel happy?  How will I take the next step, no matter how hard it is?  And then act on my wishes despite the inevitable outside forces.

We are the only person who will be with us for our entire lives.  We do not come with an owner’s manual or rules.  There is no prophecy written about why we are here or what we can hope to find.  We are not guaranteed that if we show up the way we are told to by others, our life will be easier.  Or that we will find love or acceptance or anything else we are searching for. But I have learned that if I show up for myself, I don’t feel so disconnected.  So confused about who I am vs who I am supposed to be.

It is easy to assign blame and responsibility for things external to me.  For what has happened TO me.  But if I want growth, I must take ownership.  It isn’t enough for me to ask, “Who am I?”.  I need to understand what I want.  Then move step by step toward that person until the path changes.  Knowing that it will.  And with every change, some new aspect of myself to consider.

There are good nuggets in all the books I have read.  The things I have studied.  The people I have learned from.   But no one solution solves every problem.  As with all things, take what you need, leave the rest.  If it resonates, incorporate it into your life.  If it frustrates, let it go.

As Richard Rohr states, “Information is not transformation.”  We can be given all the tools, but if we don’t know what we are building, nothing will ever come to fruition.  

Much Love,

Lisa

Lisa Hamil is a founding member and host for The SOS Collective, an online international women’s recovery and support group.  However, this blog and any classes or coaching offered by Lisa Hamil LLC are separate from and not affiliated in any way with The SOS Collective.