Mirror, Mirror

"Wholeness is not achieved by cutting off a portion of one's being, but by integration of the contraries."

— Carl Jung

When you look in the mirror, who do you see? 

What do you see? 

What do you want to see? 

 Is it an accurate reflection of all your life has been—every milestone, every scar? Or just a fleeting snapshot of emotion, mood, or memory? 

 What do you believe other people see?  Do you want to know?

There is a question asked in interviews, workshops, therapy sessions or as an icebreaker.  If you could have any superpower, what would it be?  I have given many answers, but my favorite response remains, “I want the power to see myself the way others see me.”  

 At first, it sounds like a gift—clarity at last! I can finally have an objective view of who I am, how I show up in the world, what I offer, where I fall short. I could adjust accordingly. Fit in. Meet expectations. Say the right thing. Do the right thing. Be liked. Be understood.

But the longer I sit with it, the more I question its power.

How objective could anyone else’s view really be?

Would they see me clearly?  Or would I only be visible through the lens of their own experiences, traumas, preferences, projections, and stories?   Even if I could read their minds—tap into their running commentary—would I gain truth, or just reflection? And wouldn’t that reflection shift moment by moment, interaction by interaction?

If I am constantly seeking validation through their eyes, I also become trapped in “performance.”  People-pleasing.  Shapeshifting.  Living up to some imagined version of who they want me to be.  And I am back at the beginning.  Who am I, really?  Like a hall of mirrors at a carnival every reflection I chase - internal or external - bounces back with distortion.  Each mirror offers a different version of me. Some I recognize.  Some I reject.  Some I wonder if I will ever get to know.  Let alone understand. 

 We live in a world of labels and descriptors. 

My name is…

My job is…

I live in this neighborhood

I have this many kids

I am this age, this size, this status

I am this identity.  Or, more truthfully, these identities. Identities that have been polished, performed, and honed.  We trot them out and then wait to see how they land.  Am I accepted?  Admired?  Dismissed? 

 Beneath all this performance, which identity is real?  And more importantly:  Which ones do I accept…and which ones do I deny?

 Acceptance vs Integration

 Most of our lives we are battling between which versions of ourselves we are willing to accept. What if instead of accepting or rejecting our pieces and parts, we integrated all of them into one?  One WHOLE person. 

The difference between acceptance and integration when it comes to our perception of self is subtle but significant — like the difference between seeing something and becoming something.

 Acceptance is the acknowledgment of what is.

It says: “This is who I am right now.”

It’s a needed and necessary step in healing and growth. Acceptance is often about releasing resistance — letting go of denial, shame, or judgment. It creates a pause, a breath, a moment of stillness where we can stop fighting ourselves.

Acceptance, while essential, is often passive. Even passive aggressive.  You can accept your shadow without ever engaging with it. You can accept that you’re angry, frustrated, anxious, or insecure — and still live in fear of what that means.

Integration is the embodiment of acceptance.

It says: “This is a part of me, AND I know how to live with it, learn from it, and choose consciously because of it.”

Integration is where change takes root. It requires action, reflection, and a willingness to let parts of yourself — even the ones you used to reject — inform your wholeness rather than threaten it.

Integration means you don’t just know your wounds — you learn how they show up in your relationships. You don’t just see your patterns — you develop the capacity to choose differently. You don’t just accept your story — you reclaim authorship of it.

Acceptance acknowledges what IS. It brings a passive awareness, it is intellectual (sometimes called over-thinking) and allows wholeness to BEGIN. 

Integration embodies all that is KNOWN.  It brings about active transformation, is deeply experiential and turns wholeness into BEING. 

Without acceptance, we resist reality.  We are still fighting for an identity that may be labeled but is still unknown to us and others.  We must “accept “ as a starting point, acknowledging that we need to change.   Acceptance can feel like growth, but it is only the first part of understanding our reality.

Without integration, we repeat it.  Until we look at the whole of who we are, we remain stuck in our story, our habits, our self-judgment and doubt.  We accept but keep repeating what has worked before because we are still at odds with our ego and the “right” way to be. 

Integration gives us the ability to see that who we are now is a compilation of ALL that has happened along the way.  It took the good and the bad, the right and the wrong, every relationship, every job, every aspect of life to bring about the person we see in the mirror.  Integration says thank you to every one of our identities and experiences.  Integration makes us whole. 

Self-perception that stays at the level of acceptance may offer temporary relief, but integration is what leads to liberation.  

Like it or not, your past happened.  You can say “I accept it” and move on.  Growth will still happen.  But when you truly integrate all that happened—all you learned, all the ways you grew from every experience, no matter how hard—you are building a better foundation for what is yet to come.  

I find it much easier to show up as one whole than to spend my time and energy managing the various characters, never knowing exactly who MIGHT show up.  Step into your whole.  Step into your flawed but amazing life.  Let the good support the bad, the right support the wrong.  We are one complete package.  We simply need to unwrap it and look inside.