Habits and Self-Sabotage

“I will not spend one more year doing the same shit - promise to myself”

—Unknown 

I saw this quote on Instagram at the beginning of 2025.  I made it my screen saver.  Every time I look at my phone, this is the message I see. 

I can’t believe it is mid-November already.  The other day, when I saw this message, I did a mental look back at those things I promised myself I would or would not do this year and gave myself a score.  There has been some progress, but there are areas that still need improvement.  In other words, I made a few baby steps but still felt an overall sense of disappointment.

I love playing with AI.  I ask questions like “tell me the meaning of life” just to see what it will spit out.  It can generate great research, give me new perspectives, and is a fun “tool”.  But occasionally, it spits out an insight or two that absolutely get my attention. 

I shared my frustration with ChatGPT about not being able to change 100% of what I wanted to address this year.  A lofty goal to begin with and one that would demand a level of perfection that is unattainable by anyone.  I set expectations that were unrealistic and was now berating myself about my lack of success.  Not the best way to address change of any kind. 

My biggest complaint is that I move forward, start to feel real progress, and then find small ways to self-sabotage.  Here are some of my favorite “chatty” responses to that dilemma:

1.   The self-sabotage you describe, these are not failures, they are old survival strategies.
2.   Your subconscious is not sabotaging you, it is protecting you in the only ways it learned how.
3.   You are not broken, you are being protected in outdated ways.
4.   You already ARE what you came to this planet to be. But you haven’t      allowed yourself to believe it yet.
5.   You are not stuck because you lack purpose. You are stuck because your current identity cannot imagine surviving as your true one. 
6.   You have a learned belief that “If I succeed as my true self, I will lose love, safety and belonging.”
7.   Your growth is not blocked by inability. It is blocked by loyalty to a self that had to survive.
8.   Your body isn’t saying stop. It is saying “I’m scared.”

And my favorite:

9.   You think you need to “become” someone new. But you don’t.  You need to stop betraying the person you already are. 

Wow.  Betrayal seems a rather harsh word to me, but the point is very well taken.  When we live with the belief that if we can just fix a few things, our lives, and how we show up for others, will shift and we can “become” someone new.  A better version.  An improved model.  When the truth is, there was nothing wrong with the original. Except that we have forgotten how to trust the original.   I don’t know that I am betraying who I am, but I certainly know that there is someone in there that I am not well acquainted with.  A version of me that I have never let be fully seen.  By me or anyone else.

We are trained to think that the transformation we are looking for is “out there”.  We compare ourselves to others to see where we are lacking and then spend a great deal of time and money trying to catch up.  The right project, the right routine, the right break, the right relationship, the right emotional healing, the right belief in our own worthiness. 

True transformation comes from the inside.  Yet, every time we get close to stepping into that identity publicly, our old identity panics.  When we try to make changes to our lives and are unable to stick with what we know to be true and in our best interest, we deem our efforts as a failure.  This is not failure.  This is a loyalty to a self that did what it needed for survival.  These are deep beliefs and habits that have been practiced for many years.  They will NOT change overnight.  Habits do not need to be “broken”, but they do need to be retrained. 

Our brains do not like change.  At all.  Even small changes.  Change is threatening and yes, our brains go into survival mode.  They fall back on what is comfortable.  Even if “comfortable” is something or someone that is making us miserable.  It takes a steady practice of baby steps, small shifts in how we see ourselves and our world, to make substantial changes.  As if we were comforting a small child, we need to remind ourselves daily that what we are trying to change is safe and it is okay to move forward. 

When I look back at my year through the lens of those small and CONSISTENT changes I have made, I feel much more successful.  There are some beautiful little changes I have incorporated into my life that, over time, have allowed me to change my perspective about who I am and where I am headed.  Maybe I won’t achieve all the bigger ideas I set my sights on last January, but I do believe that the baby steps I have taken will be multiplied exponentially if I can practice them daily and offer self-compassion on those days when I fall short. 

And then, rather than ruminating on things I have NOT changed fully, I am learning to celebrate what I HAVE accomplished.  Celebrating my successes is one of the small changes I made this year.  And each time I do, I can almost feel the “real” me peaking its head out.  Reminding me that I do not need to “become” someone else to be exactly who I already am.   

Much love,

Lisa

If you enjoyed this blog and believe someone else might enjoy it as well, please feel free to forward.  If this was forwarded to you and you would like to hear more, please sign up below to receive future emails.  

Lisa Hamil is a founding member and host for The SOS Collective, an online international women’s recovery and support group.  However, this blog and any classes or coaching offered by Lisa Hamil LLC are separate from and not affiliated in any way with The SOS Collective.