Finding Peace Means Not Being At War

War, what is it good for?  Absolutely nothing…

Edwin Starr

What if finding our way to peace means no longer being at war?  After all, without war, there is no need to seek peace.  It exists all on its own.  What if we reframe the argument as peace isn’t something we fight for, it’s something we stop fighting against?  What if, instead of “making peace” with us, we just stop?  Stop fighting with our thoughts, our situation, our “neverenoughness”. 

Peace is one of those words, like “happy” or “normal”, that keeps us locked in struggle.  The world of advertising, marketing and social media has us believing that, if you simply do what everyone else does, which includes “following” their lead or buying their product, you will find the elusive “peace” we all desire. 

Yet, peace is not something we create. As with “normal” or “happy”, it is relative to you and your life only.  What brings peace, happy, or normal to one person, never guarantees that it will work for another.  Peace is what remains when we stop waging war.  In other words, peace is not an achievement.  It is the absence of internal resistance.

Psychology reminds us of the Paradox of Change.  Change occurs when we become what we ARE, not when we try to become what we are not.  Buddhism states that the cause of all suffering is attachment.  In this case, attachment to all the things we THINK we are not.  Those things we strive to become, even when achieving them does not feel authentic to who we really are.  When we fight with ourselves, our thoughts, our feelings, our fears, we create internal fragmentation. 

Physiologically, we are impaired as well.  The nervous system operates largely through threat detection.  When the brain senses conflict or danger, it activates the sympathetic nervous system.  We get stuck in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.  Conflict is the operative word because the brain cannot distinguish between an internal war and an external one.  If you are mentally fighting your thoughts, emotions, or situation, the brain perceives a threat.  Peace cannot be achieved no matter how hard we try because effort signals danger.  In other words, peace isn’t created.  It emerges when the conflict signal is turned off. 

Studies suggest that humans have 60,000–70,000 thoughts per day.  A 2020 study from Queen's University identified about 6,200 of these thoughts as distinct "thought worms”, or negative loops that we cannot seem to solve.  Roughly 95% of our daily thoughts are repetitive.  Research shows that up to 80% of our repetitive thoughts are negative.  In addition, a studies show that 85% of what we worry about never happens.  This includes worrying about us or our progress in life.  The sheer volume suggests that many thoughts are automatic, fleeting, and non-conscious, rather than deliberate, logical reasoning. 

Therefore, when we actively seek to “find peace” with ourselves or in our life, we often fail.  Physiologically, language matters.  When we repeat daily our desire to, “find peace”, “make peace”, “achieve peace”, “work toward peace”, we are framing peace as something that is missing from our life.  What our nervous system hears is, “Something is wrong.  Fix it.”  This only triggers more stress, and we find ourselves in a never-ending loop of being at war with the peace we are trying to achieve. 

We instinctively look for peace outside ourselves.  After all, it is marketed to us heavily under the guise of “self-care.”  We want to believe that there is someone or some “thing” out there that will make the disquiet go away.  But what would happen if we just ended the war?

Mythology talks about the hero who stops fighting.  When the Buddha sat under the Bodhi tree, Mara, the demon of fear, temptation, and doubt, appeared to challenge him.  But the Buddha did not fight Mara.  He simply said: “I see you, Mara.”  Recognition dissolved the battle. Mara vanished.  The myth suggests that suffering is sustained by resistance. When the fight ends, the illusion loses power.  

Similarly, Buddhists believe that we have a sixth sense. Thinking.  We cannot stop thinking any more than we can stop breathing.  We can learn to control our breath, but we cannot give up breathing.  If we cannot stop “thinking,” then, it seems, we better learn how to pay attention to what we are thinking about. 

We must become aware of our thoughts.  Aware of the battles in our head.  Aware that sometimes when we are working our hardest to feel peaceful, we are working against our own bodies and minds.  Understanding how our body interprets our efforts at finding peace, brings new meaning to the phrase “I am my own worst enemy,” 

What if we just stop?  Like Buddha acknowledging Mara, notice that there are conflicting and never-ending thoughts in our heads and simply say, “I see you.” 

Noticing the wars we have with ourselves, acknowledging them, allows our body to know that we are no longer a threat. That nothing is missing from our lives.  There is nothing we need to fix.  When we remind ourselves that we are safe in our own home, we stop believing what the rest of the world that is trying to sell us.  What others expect us to be.  When we say,  “This is what is here right now.” …the nervous system receives a signal of resolution.  Our body relaxes.  Peace is the nervous system’s default state when threat signals stop.

Being at peace means no longer being at war.  Not with your past.  Not with your body. Not with your mind. Not with your life.  And in finding surrender, not giving up, but softening, noticing, you may find that nothing needed to be solved after all.  Just simply seen, felt, lived. Ironically, peace tends to appear immediately when the war ends.

I have been giving myself this gentle reminder throughout the day:

      Today I will be kind in word and thought.  I am here as I am.  I am not at war.

Has it resolved the 70,000 thoughts trotting through my head on any given day?  No.  But it reminds me that not everything has to be solved today and that most of the things I worry about, the 15% that are WORTH worrying about, will resolve themselves with time and love. No war required.

Much love,

Lisa

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Lisa Hamil is a founding member and host for The SOS Collective, an online international women’s recovery and support group.  However, this blog and any classes or coaching offered by Lisa Hamil LLC are separate from and not affiliated in any way with The SOS Collective.