Family

"At the end of the day, let there be no excuses, no explanations, no regrets."

– Steve Maraboli

Canyon Ranch is a spa in the Catalina Mountains just outside Tucson, Arizona.  It is a magical place.  The desert landscape is part lunar, part floral garden.  No matter where you wander on the 180 acres, you can hear a babbling brook or fountain.  There are gongs and wind chimes and Native American sculptures.  They either have miraculous hiring managers or the best training program available.  Every employee, from gardener to barista to management, greets you with a smile, asks how your day is, and makes sure that you are finding your way. 

It has its own history.   It is also a big part of my history. 

This is my third trip here.  All three to celebrate milestones in my life.  I have a hard time remembering what I did last week, let along 34 years ago.  To have a place where I can look back and see the progression of my life over time is a gift I didn’t realize until I got here last Monday. 

Canyon Ranch opened in 1979, the year I graduated from high school.  My mother came soon after it opened and brought my aunt back a few years later.  In 1991, my mother brought me here to celebrate my 30^th birthday.  I hated turning 30.  I was married, my children were 2 and 4.  It felt like my youth was long gone and I had missed it somehow.  At 30…I know. 

The week I spent here with my mother was not our normal time together.  I remember wondering if we could do a whole week together.   We had a challenging relationship most days, but here it was calm.  Fun.  Loving.  It was not filled with criticism and judgment.  We both allowed each other to just be. 

The early 90’s was the end of the Jane Fonda fitness craze, and I remember that my leg warmers had to match my leotard and coordinate with my headband and my wristbands.  We worked out ALL DAY long.  Aerobics and weights.  Canyon Ranch is known for being one of the first spas to combine western “no pain, no gain” with eastern practices such as yoga, but in 1991, it felt like the precursor to The Biggest Loser.  After working out all day long, you were only allowed 1,200 calories.  No alcohol, no sugar, low fat, no salt.  The dining room was locked after serving hours and there was no place to find a snack.  We were starving.  When we landed in Denver after a week here, we demanded to be driven to Mexican food and margaritas before doing anything else.  Even before seeing my children.   

Despite that, it was fun and relaxing.   My mother and I felt like we connected.  Little did I know, it was the calm before the storm. 

I was dragged kicking and screaming into my 30’s.  It was and still is the worst decade of my life.  Four short years later, my mother was diagnosed with cancer in December and gone by March.  The following year, my grandmother also passed from cancer.  The year after that, my grandfather was gone.  Then we were blessed with a whole year without loss, but my mother’s youngest sister died in early January of the following year.  I got divorced, became a single parent, went back to work, moved, started dating again.  My 30’s were a wild ride.  In addition, I quit drinking for 9 months around my mother’s illness, but after she passed, decided that life was indeed short and should be lived.  I started drinking again and did not stop for another 25 years. 

My second trip here was in 2011.  My aunt, my mother’s middle sister and my soul mate, brought me to celebrate my 50^th birthday.  Linda has always been more my mother than my mother.  I spent summers with her as a teen and as a baby, she and I shared a room.  She lived with my mother and father when I was young and reminds me that I used to bang my crib against the wall each morning until she woke.   

In 2011, my children were now 22 and 24.  I was on my second marriage.  One that I never should have entered and one which was at its end.  And… I was 50.  Some would say my life was half over, but that is assuming I would make it to 100.  My mother died when she was 54.  I wasn’t even sure I would make 60.  I was drinking heavily and now a week here, where alcohol was still not served, was both welcome and HARD. 

Canyon Ranch still had the challenging aerobic classes, but they also offered far more yoga, tai chi and meditation.  A good thing, because I was terribly out of shape.  We did a hike in the mountains our second day and I fell.  Hard.  My hip landing on a sharp rock.  It was a challenge getting down the mountain.  My blossoming bruise an excellent excuse for sitting by the pool and getting many massages. 

In retrospect, it was exactly what I needed.  Rest.  I had been running ever since my mother’s death.  I was close to burnout but wouldn’t fully hit complete exhaustion until I turned 59.  I had outlived my mother.  And decided once again that life was short and should be well lived.  Meaning only that I gave myself yet another excuse to drink.

At 59, I was at the end of my third longest, and most destructive, relationship.  I was exhausted by life.  And I knew that if I did not stop drinking, I would not see my children married or meet any of my grandchildren.  On October 18, 2020, I quit. 

I had endured literally 1000’s of day ones prior to this date.  I could not comprehend how this would be any different or what I would do with it if I was successful.  Something shifted that day. I was SO tired of making promises to myself.  So tired of being present for everyone EXCEPT me.  I still do not know what shifted that day, but on October 18, 2025, I will celebrate 5 years alcohol free. 

There was no place else I even considered coming to celebrate except Canyon Ranch. 

I am here with my Aunt Linda, now 81 and still doing all the hikes and yoga and weights despite two knee replacements.  Also here, my daughter, now 36 and starting her own family, and her best friend.  We officially adopted her on this trip.  Continuing old traditions and starting new ones.  There are NO words that I can come up with to express my gratitude for where I am now in my life.  A life I COULD NOT have imagined at 30 or 50 or 5 years ago.  Fitter, happier, calmer, more comfortable than I have ever been. 

I am starting a new career that I am still working to define, but working on it every day brings me such joy.  In addition to the grandchild arriving in May, I have an amazing grandson who will be two in January.  Being able to see the world through his eyes is such a gift.  I have my health, a beautiful home, and amazing friends.  I spend time reaching my hand back to others new to sobriety in the hope that they to can see their lives through new eyes.  Never too old and never too late. 

Now I look forward to coming here when I am 80, with my children and grandchildren.  Maybe we won’t keep it limited to the women in the family.  Or not.  But…. when I come here for my 100^th birthday, I expect the whole clan to arrive.  Children, grandchildren, maybe even great grandchildren.

Even if the only thing I will be able to do is meditate, I look forward to coming back to this beautiful desert landscape, surrounded by family, and look back over a life that I now feel certain I can say was well-lived.  Not easy.  Lessons learned.  But I participated.  Fully. Knowing I did so much more than just survive. 

I thrived.  

Much love, 

Lisa

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Lisa Hamil is a founding member and host for The SOS Collective, an online international women’s recovery and support group.  However, this blog and any classes or coaching offered by Lisa Hamil LLC are separate from and not affiliated in any way with The SOS Collective.