Compassion

“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals.” 

Pema Chödrön

Driving home from school one day, when my children were about 8 and 10, there was a heated conversation in the back seat.  “That kid is so obnoxious.  He has to always be the center of attention,” said one of them.  The other replied with a litany of stunts this child does to disrupt class on any given day, and they both concluded that he was the most annoying person ever. 

I listened for a while, then I pulled the car over and said, “Do you know why he behaves this way?  Do you know what is going on in his life or at his home that makes him feel the need to be the center of attention?  Do you know what he struggles with or how well he is doing in school?”  To which, they both solemnly replied “no.” “Nor can you”, I continued.  “Ever. Until you walk in someone else’s shoes or at least ask them how they are, in a truly caring way, stop criticizing them and try to send them some compassion instead.”

It was a long silent ride home.  I felt a little guilty for unloading on my children.  I don’t remember what was happening in my life at the time that sparked such an admonishment, but clearly what they were saying hit a nerve. 

There is a school in my neighborhood.  When I walk the dog in the morning, it feels sometimes like going to combat.  The E-bikes are the current trend, and the kids ride them at great speed, I’m estimating 20 mph (32 km/hr) down the sidewalk.  Some now realize that riding on the sidewalk is illegal, so they have started riding on the street.  There, they are competing with people in cars that are late to work or late getting their own children to school.  Some kids wear helmets, some don’t.  None of them stop at the stop signs or, if they ARE on the sidewalk, yell out to let you know they are coming up behind you. 

This morning was particularly hazardous.  I found myself wanting to yell at them.  Yes, I was worried about my own safety, but the person inside of me that just loves to judge “right” and “wrong” knew they were breaking the law.  And the mother and grandmother in me was getting very judgy of their parents.  Who lets their young child compete with morning work traffic on a potentially dangerous bicycle?  Why weren’t they wearing helmets?  Why were there two kids on a bike designed for one?  And where were the parents anyway?  Who doesn’t have time to take their kids to school?  On and on my mind raced.  Judging everyone.  Then I remembered my conversation from years ago. 

I don’t know if the bicycle is a status symbol for that child or is the only way they have to get to school.  I don’t know what is happening in their parents’ lives.  If they want to teach their children independence or if they physically cannot take their child to school.  I don’t know if it was a bad morning and the kid is racing to school out of anger or fear, just happy to be out of the house. Or, if they have a new crush and can’t wait to get to school to see them.  I simply don’t have all the details, yet I was happy to pass judgment because they were not showing up the way I wanted them to show up. 

It seems to me, in today’s world, we are losing compassion for how hard it is to simply be a human.  To show up, to do our best and to stay in our own lane.  We all have opinions and if mine doesn’t match yours, well, you are quite simply just wrong.  It doesn’t feel like there is any attempt to meet in the middle or to even discuss opposing opinions.  I know that is a blanket statement, that people do still care for others, but compassion seems to be taking a back seat often.  Judgment seems to be running rampant.   Because we can only see what people choose to show us, or worse only what we want to see, we skip a few steps of noticing when someone might be in pain and jump straight to judging.

What scares me more is, in the loss of compassion for others, we also tend to lose sight of compassion for ourselves.  For how hard life can be.  The daily struggles we all handle in silence believing that no one wants to hear.  That no one really cares.  Thinking that we are the only ones struggling that way because often the only people we interact with regularly are the curated versions of friends and family we see on social media.  Everyone else seems to be getting it right.  Why burden them with how I know I am getting it wrong?

Compassion fatigue is a syndrome that used to be relegated to caregivers or people in situations where they are exposed to high levels of stress and adversity.  Personally, I think compassion fatigue is now an epidemic.  The world is a hard place to live in on the best of days.  And lately, it feels like stress and adversity are coming rapid fire.  We are all tired.  We all want to check out.  Everyone and everything seem to irritate us. 

I am no saint.  I am stressed and frustrated and lately have had very little compassion for myself.  The actions of others seem selfish and illogical.  But, in the end, the advice I gave my children holds true.  Until you live someone else’s life, you have no idea why they say or do or act the way they do.  It doesn’t make things right.  But…. when we can, maybe we need to stop and give them a little grace.  Perhaps your kind words or even your kind thoughts are exactly what they need in that moment. 

And while you are at it…. give yourself grace too.  You are, after all, only human.  No one is perfect.  Life is challenging.  Just keep showing up the best way you know how and act based on the information at hand.  When you get it wrong, try again. When you get it right, give yourself some love and a pat on the back.  Maybe your kind words are just what you need to hear as well. 

Much love,

Lisa

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Lisa Hamil is a founding member and host for The SOS Collective, an online international women’s recovery and support group.  However, this blog and any classes or coaching offered by Lisa Hamil LLC are separate from and not affiliated in any way with The SOS Collective.