Discernment

“Judgment says: ‘You are wrong.’ Discernment says: ‘This is not right for me.’”

— Doe Zantamata

I was part of an interesting conversation the other day. The woman I was talking with was concerned about her friends.  Specifically, that the further she went down the path of discovering who she is, the more she felt like she was criticizing others.  She was choosing to spend less time with certain people because she did not agree with their choices, their opinions, or how they spent their time.  She felt “judgy” and conflicted.  Especially since these were her long-time friends.  I offered that perhaps she was just becoming more discerning. 

It is a conundrum.  When we learn more about who we are and what we want out of life, we begin to see things differently.  WE change, but many times the people around us do not.  Which is a skewed perspective because we all change every day.  In small ways that can often go unnoticed, but change is constant.  However, when we are focused on our own personal growth, it can lead us to believe that everyone should be on a similar journey and that others are somehow falling behind.  It is easy to see ourselves as superior to others when we are working so hard on our own path. 

Most of us are raised to fit in, not stand out.  When we are going through a “growth spurt”, it is common to not share it with others.  Sharing our journey might make us the topic of conversation and attention.  In addition, saying we are going to change makes us accountable to others.  They will be watching us to see if we succeed.  I have found that keeping my mouth shut and being the only passenger in the car for any new journey is preferable.  But in my isolation, I also find it easier to be judgmental of those around me. 

Both judgment and discernment involve the forming of opinions.  However, judgment is reactive, often rooted in ego, fear, or the need be seen as “right”. It is externally focused, fixed, and feels divisive. When we judge, we label others or specific situations as "good" or "bad," often with little context or compassion. Judgment carries emotional weight—anger, frustration, superiority—and often seeks to create distance: “They are wrong,” or “This is bad.”

Many times, my judgment of others was simply a distraction. If I could find fault in someone else, it made my own faults less noticeable.  Commenting on someone else’s job performance, weight, clothing choice, or alcohol consumption, allowed me to somehow feel more comfortable with me.  Not that I saw myself as better, but I certainly wasn’t “as bad as them.”

Discernment, by contrast, is internal, observational, and wise. It is less about labeling and more about understanding. Discernment says, “This choice doesn’t feel right for me.” It invites curiosity and clarity rather than condemnation. Discernment arises from stillness and self-awareness, often after careful thought or intuitive sensing. It seeks to inform, not to punish.

Any change gives us the opportunity to see our lives and ourselves through a new lens.  Sometimes we simply roll with the punches, adapt and move on.  But when we are hit with major changes that lead us to question our identity, we want to dig a little deeper to discover what it all really means.  As we find out new things about ourselves, it is inevitable that other things in our life will evolve.  When I was single, I had single friends.  When I married, my priorities shifted to doing thing with other couples.  When I became a parent, I had a new group that revolved around playdates and school.  Every job I have ever had, came with a new set of friends.  Some stayed with me after I left.  Some did not.  When I quit drinking, I lost people and situations that no longer supported my new way of seeing the world. 

Discernment allows us to see change as natural evolution.  Discernment is growth and forward thinking.  It is letting go.  It serves no one to stay stuck in the past, nor to criticize or judge people for not changing with us; for not keeping up.  Judgment should be a red flag for areas in our own lives that need attention.  Areas where we are stuck being so focused on the actions of others that we are missing a core opportunity for our own growth.  Like a grain of sand in your shoe, whatever you feel judgmental about will rub away at you until you give it the attention it needs. 

It makes perfect sense that what you choose to focus your judgment on is something that you are most likely struggling with, so pay attention to it.  Look at it with curiosity.  Be discerning. Ask yourself why it bothers you so much?  When did it show up in your life as something to be concerned about?  And, most importantly, how much more of your energy do you want to spend worrying about how someone else is living their life?  Isn’t that energy you could be using for yourself?

In a world where we are “trained” to compare ourselves to others, judgment is a challenging concept to move away from.  It is only through curiosity, education, practice, compassion and introspection that we learn to see things differently.  Discernment helps us understand that we have choices.   That we are not stuck in the life we have created, nor are we destined to always show up in the way others expect.  For many of us, judgment is simply a defense mechanism.  Discernment reminds us that it is how we see OURSELVES that matters most.

In essence:

• Judgment divides (me vs. you, right vs. wrong external focus);
• Discernment aligns (this fits or it doesn’t, without blame, internal focus).

Discernment leads to wise action. Judgment often leads to reactivity or regret.

Change is inevitable. When you can see your growth from the inside out and start making choices that are more aligned with where you are now, you understand how to “stay in your lane” and let others take care of their own lives.  There is no need to judge their actions or choices.  Or allow them to judge yours.  Choosing how much time you spend with them is not a judgment. It is a wise choice made by a discerning mind.